Xangwha?

I'm really suprised to find myself back at this website after being gone for the last eight months from it.  I was just reading through my entries, and I find it pretty startling to realize how much I have (or haven't) changed since September 1 (Hogwarts Express Day...am clearly on Harry Potter track here :))  Basically I got a little link-happy on Facebook and wound up on someone's Xanga only to think, "Whoa...I think I had one of those.  Yeah, basically."

Anyway.  I just thought it was kind of interesting that before this year even started I knew it would be hell.  And it's kind of unfortunate that I've been this stressed for this long.  I know some people do what I do and make it through, but I'm not sure quite how they do it.  I suppose on the outside I'm bubbly and giggly and snarky enough but let's face it--I'm not the easiest person to live with at the end of the day when I put all my walls down and just be myself.  A lot of this is from stress and overworkage...and I'm scared that I'll wind up in the same spot I was in last summer; alone and depressed and isolated instead of just chilling out.

AP's are in a week and I feel OK about it.  Not great, but I'm not OMGFLIPPINGOUT like I was last year, so either I've stopped caring or stopped stressing.  Either one would be a relief.

This entry (like so many I wrote in here) is pretty pointless, but I'm down with that.  Doubt I'll write again, but it's always nice to come back here and know there are memories of my life frozen in Cyberspace waiting for me to thaw them out whenever I need a road trip down memory lane.

UGH

I'm a little sketched out right now.

I just got back from Boston, only to discover I've missed two closing shifts at work because of a few mishaps and screw-ups, both in part for me not getting time off correctly (which is stupid and CRAP), and in my manager not getting the schedule out on time so I could freaking CHECK to make sure I didn't work when I was on vacation (the schedule came out three days late.  If it had come out on time, I would have caught the shifts that I was supposed to work).

So my boss is pissed, everyone's kind of in awe that I still am employed, and I've decided that maybe I'll starting hating my work place again. 

Hey.  Sounds good to me.  Just the average American dream, eh?

I'm peeved, perversed, morose, unhappy and sad for many reasons at the moment.  I guess I'm also stressed and angst-ridden.  Damn.  Someone had me a razor blade and remind me to cross at the corner and never jay-walk on my arms.

I'm very worried about this upcoming school year.  I'm overscheduled times a million and school hasn't started yet. Some nights, I'll be gone from 6:30 in the morning until 10:30 at night.  And then I still have homework to do.

I don't know what the fuck to DO.  I need my job, I need theatre, I need other enrichment activities like Youth Leadership Garbargecrap for church and Link Crew.  They say that a huge part of growing up is prioritizing, but I can't do that at the moment.  I'm really sorry, Mr. Grown-Up, but dropping anything is out of the question. 

Somedays I wish theatre didn't take so much time.  But then it wouldn't be half as good or the end result as fufilling, and I wouldn't give that up for the world.

I work 10-12 hours a week.  I have rehearsal 30 hours a week at least.  Youth Leadership meets randomly once/twice a month at least for two hours and I have Conformation shit to deal with when I don't even believe in what I'm getting confirmed for. 

I need a Conformation sponsor.

If  I told them Jesus said I didn't need one because I was such a super-great Christian, do you think they'd believe me?  Me too.  But anyway that's every. damn. Wednesday. for two hours plus other meetings.  Plus Link Crew blah and other things that always come up.

I hate all this.  I hate feeling busy and I'm always busy.  Just writing this all down makes me twitchy and sad because it's like I'm giving up my whole world of free time for things I don't like but have to do.  I wonder if lots of other people feel like this or just me.  If it's lots, then it's no wonder we're all depressed, Zoloft-pumped persons.  It's no wonder we all hate our jobs and our houses and our taxes.  It's no wonder that everyone's a zombie, sprinting through life for no real reason because in the end we all end up somewhere that isn't here. 

With the lives we lead, it's inevitable.

Currently Listening Le Tigre see related

I Didn't Do ANYTHING Today

Actually, I read the book What Goes Around.  It really sucked, so please don't read it.

Jane Austen is kind of adorable with her fancy-shmancy writing style.

And now I'm drinking root beer.

I also ate some pizza.

And went online.

It was fun.

The End

It's 6:33 in the Morning, and Holy Vishnu, I'm AWAKE

I got a rooooaaad test scheduled.  Haha! I win!  The mofos at the DMV don't!  Props to the Elle Girl for being all encouraging yesterday and telling me to "get up at like five or six...or maybe stay up till one in the morning...that's what they told us at the Christian driving place..." because guess what?  Totally works!

11:25 in the morning on October 24.  Not exactly prime driving time, but it's an appointment and we'll deal with it and pretend we're drivng during rush hour in Boston or something. 

So now I just need to check religiously to see if there's ever a time earlier on in October than that because please.  I'm not waiting 26 extra days to take my road test (it could be taken on September 29).  Cute.

I still really fucking hate the DMV..

An Open Letter of Truth

Dear People Who Run the DMV Website Where You Schedule Your Road Test,

WOULD YOU PLEASE UPDATE YOUR FUCKING SITE AT A TIME THAT I'M HOME AND ONLINE AND IS CONVENIENT FOR ME.  I REALLY, REALLY NEED YOU TO JUDGE MY DRIVING ABILITY BY HAVING ME PARALLEL PARK AN DO OTHER STUFF AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.  IF YOU DON'T, I'LL MAKE A WIDE LEFT TURN AND I COULD CRASH INTO A TEST CAR OR SOMETHING BECAUSE OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS AND THAT WOULD BE BAAAAD.  I MAY ALSO WRITE RUN-ON, GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT SENTENCES FOREVER.  THAT WOULD BE MORE THAN BAD-THAT WOULD BE HORRENDOUS.  SO SAVE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND UPDATE YOUR SITE ALREADY, BITCHES.

  Thanks.  I knew I could count on you.  K Bye!

Love Carrie